When Happiness Makes You Cry

          Last night, I found myself crying for no reason. Sometimes I just can't explain the deep sadness that begins in the chest and continues to spread until exiting the body through tears. Sometimes, I think I am the only one to know this pain. To know what it's like for a cloud to seemingly cover the sun even for a mere moment making everything lifeless. It just as easily disappears and with it the pain fade, the tears roll to a stop.

         Okay, to be honest, there was sort of a reason behind the tear. Happy remembering was the cause. Remembering such happy memories that I wish I could relive them. Then I remember all they can ever be is just that - memories. There I was crying and not tears of joy, tears of sadness because of a happy moment that has forever been lost. I do not cry because my life is miserable and I don't think thing will get better, I cry because it's different and everything has changed. 

         Change is also the reason I smile; it is the reason that I laugh and enjoy some of the best days I could ever imagine. I have realized we have to have bad days in order to have good ones. The bad days make us realize how great we really have things. The bad days make us happy when wonderful days return. We compare all the days we have to our worst and lowest day in order to see that change is a good thing. 

         Yes, I still yearn for things of the past. I long for things that I can never have again. I have an intense desire for times that almost seem as if they happened once upon a time. I wonder what it would be like if people didn't die or move on and if nothing ever changed, but then I realize that such a world could never be. One of my favorite songs conveys this in an beautiful and tender way:

Every so often we long to steal,

to the land of what might have been,

but that doesn't soften the ache we feel

when reality sets back in.

         It may hurt, but we need change and we also need to realize that sometimes it is happiness that makes us cry.

A Letter From the Future

High School Graduation time has rolled around again, and as I prepare to go graduation party hopping I just wanted to jump back to my graduation (after all, it was just last year).

If you know me and have had the honor (if you want to call it that) of hearing me give a speech, then you know that I am not the best public speaker. I have been told I do not speak loud enough or that I do not speak slow enough, but I do try. So here are the words of wisdom I bestowed upon Nevada High School's Class of 2014.

Superintendent Dr. David Stephens, Assistant Superintendent Dr. Tyson Beshore, Principal Mr. Whalen, Vice Principal Mr. Stewart, Distinguished Members of the School Board, Honorable Teachers and Counselors, Beloved Parents and Friends, Ladies and Gentlemen, Fellow Graduates:

I couldn't find the right words to say today, but then I stumbled across this - a time capsule. From the Future, Postmarked 2024.

Greeting Earthlings! Do not worry, you have not turned into an alien. Although I hope my invention has turned into a time capsule, ultimately helping this letter find its way to you. I know this is going to sound crazy - but I'm writing this to you from the future.  Ten years in the future actually.  Where I come from you are preparing for your ten year class reunion. If my calculations are correct you are reading this on your graduation day, Sunday May 25th, 2014.

I congratulate you. Today is your day! You have endured through countless hours, countable days, and very countable years, 13 in fact, to reach this day. You have received much help and I believe several thank yous are in order. First, you need to thank your parents. Without them, you literally, would not be here. Your parents, and other parental figures, started you out on this incredible, educational quest. Second, thank your teachers. Your preschool teachers taught you the alphabet and numbers, more so you were taught how to socialize with one another, in time leading to your friendships. Your elementary and middle school teachers managed all of your rambunctious actions and taught you new facts daily, without the comfort of jeans, I might add. Your high school teachers guided and prepared you for change. From the ABC’s all the way through Rapid Reviews, your teachers have been with you every step of the way. These people have helped you in ways that deserves a magnitude of thank yous, but today is not their day. Today is your day, so, finally, thank the Class of 2014. You would not be who you are today if it was not for your fellow classmates. Some of them have stood by your side, offering friendship, encouragement, and motivation. Others, have forced you to gain strength and perseverance. These skills, memories, and experiences are things that will create a successful future. Today is the day for celebration, so seize it as it is yours.

As a senior you are already old before your time. You spend your day worrying about college, a job, or marriage and a family. These things are important, do not get me wrong, but they are not everything. Live in the moment before the moment passes you by. I challenge you to invest time to stop and smell the roses. Grades may get you scholarships, make your parents proud or enable you to go on “lunch out” but they do not define intelligence. You may not always get the grades you wish for or the job you most desire, and you might panic, but you will make it through and triumphantly come out of the experience with a smile on your face. College, a job, a family; these things will come in there own good time and they will all fall into place seamlessly. Meanwhile, go and assemble your own definition of brilliance.

Soon you will no longer be a senior, but a fresh out of high school graduate. Now is the time to find, for yourself, what is important. Is it the new iPhone? Is it the many pairs of shoes you own or all your colorful leggings?  Is it instagram and all the selfies? {man, I wish I had taken a selfie] Is it your high tech fishing pole or hunting gun? You may think these things make up your whole life, but you will miss other opportunities while trying to follow these “interests.”  Now is the time to make friendships that last. These kinds of friendships are rarer to discover as the years go by. No longer will you spend your days within the walls of Nevada High School. No longer will chicken patty be your lunch on Wednesdays. No longer are you a high school senior. This is when the adventure starts.

Your adventure is full of adjustment and development. At first, all the changing and growth may seem bizarre, but before you know, it will have become the norm. I want to tell you that you are victorious in accomplishing your goals. How do I know this? Well, I saw you complete and reach the goals you set. You are strong, brave, and determined. Keep living and laughing, Class of 2014. Your future looks bright.

P.S.

You are going to be SO proud of yourself.

Facing Reality

Today, I am taking a personal day.

     During my time at college,  I have never skipped a class for any reason unrelated to swimming. I am a 4.0 student and know that attending class is very important for ones grades. Maybe it was because my 8 A.M. was cancelled and therefore felt as if it meant Monday was cancelled (oh how I wish that we could cancel Mondays sometimes) or the fact that I cried myself to sleep or that today I just did not want to face reality.

     I am normally strong. I accept that part of life is dying, heck without it we could not live and it is simply reality. Today, I do not wish to face reality because sometime reality is unbearable. Reality is the fact that five years ago to this date my father passed away. Reality is that sometimes I have a hard time remembering my father's voice and wish I could simply call him to hear his voice one more time. Reality is that I long to be wrapped up in one of his hugs and although others offer hugs sometimes all I want is just one of his. Reality is that I have to be strong, even when I think it isn't fair or when people try to understand but never could or when I just want to lose it.

     Today I decided I would let myself lose it. I am letting myself wallowing in self-pity. Tears have come and gone; who knows if they make a person feel better, I needed to let it all out.

     For tomorrow I am willing to face reality. I am willing to continue continuing, if that makes any sense, but I will strive for more. I will strive for a genuine happiness - a type of happiness that brings joy to others. I will strive for experience so that I may continue to live and gain wisdom while living life ti the fullest. I will strive to be an inspiration to all those around me just as my dad was an inspiration to me. I am willing and I will be prepared because . . .

Today, I took a personal day.