Last night, I found myself crying for no reason. Sometimes I just can't explain the deep sadness that begins in the chest and continues to spread until exiting the body through tears. Sometimes, I think I am the only one to know this pain. To know what it's like for a cloud to seemingly cover the sun even for a mere moment making everything lifeless. It just as easily disappears and with it the pain fade, the tears roll to a stop.
Okay, to be honest, there was sort of a reason behind the tear. Happy remembering was the cause. Remembering such happy memories that I wish I could relive them. Then I remember all they can ever be is just that - memories. There I was crying and not tears of joy, tears of sadness because of a happy moment that has forever been lost. I do not cry because my life is miserable and I don't think thing will get better, I cry because it's different and everything has changed.
Change is also the reason I smile; it is the reason that I laugh and enjoy some of the best days I could ever imagine. I have realized we have to have bad days in order to have good ones. The bad days make us realize how great we really have things. The bad days make us happy when wonderful days return. We compare all the days we have to our worst and lowest day in order to see that change is a good thing.
Yes, I still yearn for things of the past. I long for things that I can never have again. I have an intense desire for times that almost seem as if they happened once upon a time. I wonder what it would be like if people didn't die or move on and if nothing ever changed, but then I realize that such a world could never be. One of my favorite songs conveys this in an beautiful and tender way:
Every so often we long to steal,
to the land of what might have been,
but that doesn't soften the ache we feel
when reality sets back in.
It may hurt, but we need change and we also need to realize that sometimes it is happiness that makes us cry.
